Bitch Fest 101: Vocalization

Normally, I am a very sarcastic, sometimes more easily angered-than-should-be-appropriate kind of person inside my head.  Take everything inside my head and bring it out, and you end up with a lot of frightened people cowering around me and an especially sulky me-who doesn't want to make eye contact with anyone. 

Now, that's all good and well.  Except for A) I'm sick (somehow, I'm still fuzzy on the details of that,) and B) It's PMS week. 

Item A: Over the weekend I started to feel the dull ache in the back of my throat/on the back of my tongue which usually indicates a sore throat coming on.  In a panic, I ran down to Rite Aid and dropped about $100 on medicine and vitamin supplements.  Vitamin C tablets, cough syrup, cough drops, etc.  Well, I've so far managed to avoid sore throat.  Right now everything moved into congestion and blockage of my right nasal passage with an extremely light tickle in the back of my throat.  This is especially annoying because it's not conducive to the kind of cough that actually can do something for your throat.  This is the kind of cough that is so light it barely registers on your body's sick-dar.  (Bastards.)  Flashforward to today: I feel like crap and everything in the world is going wrong (again.)  I'm actually skipping my classes and staying in my dorm for some well-deserved alone time before I launch headfirst into trying to figure out how to do these paper's that I have been unable to do.  (Note: not simply 'not wanting' to do, but literally 'unable' to do.)  Library databases and I aren't friends anymore.

Item B:  Additionally, it's PMS week.  Which means that I'm pretty hypersensitive to everything around me.  Did you ever hear that fun fact that when you get stressed, noises appear to annoy you just THAT much more?  Example: remember taking a test or quiz in school that you didn't get a chance to study for, and it's worth like 20% of your grade?  And then the a$$#@!$ next to you decides that it's a great day to tap the eraser of his or her pencil on the desk while mentally singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"-making you even more stressed and helpless?  Yeah, that's what my entire PMS week is like.   If all of the commentary on my life were able to be extracted from my brain and put to words, I think I probably wouldn't have many friends left.  It's not that I have anything against anyone personally, it's just those little moments where I sometimes want to yell at people with the fury of a hundred Tasmanian devils-because they should know they're annoying me and know that by my glaring at them, they need to stop what they're doing.  Haha, yeah, right.

So, the difference between me right now and the normal me?  Well, not too much is different in my own head (except for the PMS-related stuff-that's THANKFULLY only 1 week a month,) but everything else that is spewing out of my mouth is stuff that I don't really care to censor right now, due to being sick.  I feel like crap and apparently that's how I get others to sympathize with me.  (Kind of pathetic, right?)  But then again, who doesn't want people to go "Aww, I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  That SUCKS, man." whenever you make an extravagant attempt at showing your helplessness and excessive sickness to those around you?  Everyone needs a break sometime.  Unfortunately, I've been vocalizing my frustrations and distresses for the past 5 days or so (before I actually got sick.)  I honestly don't know what's wrong with me this year.  I feel like my personality is changing and I don't like it.  I mean, life isn't fair-I get that.  I've known that since before kindergarten.  Buy why am I so much more openly pessimistic lately?  I miss my old optimistic self-even when I knew there was no way something was going to turn out okay.  It's always worth a shot, right?

I'm still passionate about where I want to go in life.  I want to be in the career that I'm studying for in college.  I still want to spend basically the rest of my life with Ryan.  I still want to get out there and make an awesome life for myself.  I think that I just want it so badly that I'm losing the joy I had while sticking with the present.  I'd like to think I live my life by focusing on the present moment and how things feel, look, and taste to me right now.  But honestly, I may take a few minutes to center myself.  Then it's right back to the grindstone to work on getting to my future.  I've been working so hard for college.  I knew back in kindergarten and first grade that I wanted to go to college, that I was going to go to college.  I went through a phase in my younger grades where I thought the only reason I worked so hard in school to get good grades was to show my (pretty much nonexistent) father how good I was, so that he could be proud of me, and take more than 30 seconds to look at me.  I mean really look at me.  Unfortunately that never happened-he didn't want me.  And so I stuck back with Plan A-get to college.  I've put in so much work for myself to get here and do what I need to do so that I can live comfortably.  I'm not looking to make millions of dollars a year, I just want to make enough to support myself and my future family.  I'm chasing the dream of having my two little red-headed twin girls, seeing them off for the first time to the bus, carving out pumpkins in October, everything my mom and grandparents did with me as a child.  How much longer do I have to wait until I can finally be in the life that I want?  How much longer do I have to remain financially dependant on my family because I'm STILL a full-time student, trying to get a degree to get a job so that I don't become homeless and starving on the side of the street?  When do I start getting to live the life I've worked my entire life for-and enjoy the benefits?  I'm sick of the drudgery.  I'm sick of putting in all this work and not seeing much of what I'm going to be getting out of it.  Every semester I get my grades, and they're all A's and B's.  Okay...well when exactly do those A's and B's start turning into something tangible?  I'm sick of just seeing a stupid letter grade and somehow having that supposed to satisfy me for all the hard work I'm putting in. 

Part of me wants to enjoy college while I'm here-it'll be the last few years of fun/freedom that I'll probably ever have, but the (now) stronger part of me wants to skip to the day I find out I'm pregnant, to the day I get married (maybe?), to the day I move into my own place for the first time, to the day I get to see Lara and Phoebe off to the bus for the first day of kindergarten.  I know a lot of you are just going to say something along the lines of "Don't rush it!  Enjoy it while you can!" or, "Hang in there!  Only a few more years!"  Well, awesome.  But I'm tired of busting butt for 20 years to make things come together for myself, and things still aren't really all that clear.  I'm scared.  I'm scared the future is never going to come together for me.  I'm scared that I'm still going to be living at home after I graduate college because I don't have the fiscal means to get out on my own.  I'm scared that I'm never going to reach a place in my life where I can just take a deep breath and relax.  I'm scared that Lara and Phoebe are going to be smudged out of existence before they even get the chance to be conceived.  I'm scared that I won't be able to afford to live. 

This is a lot, and it's all very deep, but I think this gets to the point of where my weird moods are coming from lately.  I see a big, black, gaping hole for my future after Champlain.  I've started working with Meg as of yesterday for grad school stuff, but I don't even know if I'll get that far because Champlain's undergrad SWK program is yet to be accredited.   So.....yeah.  I just wish someone could hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right, because honestly, I don't know anymore. 

Hope your life is better than mine right now.

XXOO
Megan

P.S.  To Ashley and Ryan-I apologize for the past few days.  You guys have put up with me while I just sit and sulk, while I have those periods where I just don't want to talk, and those periods where you can't shut me up because I'm bitching for 20 minutes straight about something or another.  You guys truly are the best, and I wouldn't be half as sane now if it weren't for the both of you.  <3