Bitch Fest 101: Vocalization

Normally, I am a very sarcastic, sometimes more easily angered-than-should-be-appropriate kind of person inside my head.  Take everything inside my head and bring it out, and you end up with a lot of frightened people cowering around me and an especially sulky me-who doesn't want to make eye contact with anyone. 

Now, that's all good and well.  Except for A) I'm sick (somehow, I'm still fuzzy on the details of that,) and B) It's PMS week. 

Item A: Over the weekend I started to feel the dull ache in the back of my throat/on the back of my tongue which usually indicates a sore throat coming on.  In a panic, I ran down to Rite Aid and dropped about $100 on medicine and vitamin supplements.  Vitamin C tablets, cough syrup, cough drops, etc.  Well, I've so far managed to avoid sore throat.  Right now everything moved into congestion and blockage of my right nasal passage with an extremely light tickle in the back of my throat.  This is especially annoying because it's not conducive to the kind of cough that actually can do something for your throat.  This is the kind of cough that is so light it barely registers on your body's sick-dar.  (Bastards.)  Flashforward to today: I feel like crap and everything in the world is going wrong (again.)  I'm actually skipping my classes and staying in my dorm for some well-deserved alone time before I launch headfirst into trying to figure out how to do these paper's that I have been unable to do.  (Note: not simply 'not wanting' to do, but literally 'unable' to do.)  Library databases and I aren't friends anymore.

Item B:  Additionally, it's PMS week.  Which means that I'm pretty hypersensitive to everything around me.  Did you ever hear that fun fact that when you get stressed, noises appear to annoy you just THAT much more?  Example: remember taking a test or quiz in school that you didn't get a chance to study for, and it's worth like 20% of your grade?  And then the a$$#@!$ next to you decides that it's a great day to tap the eraser of his or her pencil on the desk while mentally singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"-making you even more stressed and helpless?  Yeah, that's what my entire PMS week is like.   If all of the commentary on my life were able to be extracted from my brain and put to words, I think I probably wouldn't have many friends left.  It's not that I have anything against anyone personally, it's just those little moments where I sometimes want to yell at people with the fury of a hundred Tasmanian devils-because they should know they're annoying me and know that by my glaring at them, they need to stop what they're doing.  Haha, yeah, right.

So, the difference between me right now and the normal me?  Well, not too much is different in my own head (except for the PMS-related stuff-that's THANKFULLY only 1 week a month,) but everything else that is spewing out of my mouth is stuff that I don't really care to censor right now, due to being sick.  I feel like crap and apparently that's how I get others to sympathize with me.  (Kind of pathetic, right?)  But then again, who doesn't want people to go "Aww, I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  That SUCKS, man." whenever you make an extravagant attempt at showing your helplessness and excessive sickness to those around you?  Everyone needs a break sometime.  Unfortunately, I've been vocalizing my frustrations and distresses for the past 5 days or so (before I actually got sick.)  I honestly don't know what's wrong with me this year.  I feel like my personality is changing and I don't like it.  I mean, life isn't fair-I get that.  I've known that since before kindergarten.  Buy why am I so much more openly pessimistic lately?  I miss my old optimistic self-even when I knew there was no way something was going to turn out okay.  It's always worth a shot, right?

I'm still passionate about where I want to go in life.  I want to be in the career that I'm studying for in college.  I still want to spend basically the rest of my life with Ryan.  I still want to get out there and make an awesome life for myself.  I think that I just want it so badly that I'm losing the joy I had while sticking with the present.  I'd like to think I live my life by focusing on the present moment and how things feel, look, and taste to me right now.  But honestly, I may take a few minutes to center myself.  Then it's right back to the grindstone to work on getting to my future.  I've been working so hard for college.  I knew back in kindergarten and first grade that I wanted to go to college, that I was going to go to college.  I went through a phase in my younger grades where I thought the only reason I worked so hard in school to get good grades was to show my (pretty much nonexistent) father how good I was, so that he could be proud of me, and take more than 30 seconds to look at me.  I mean really look at me.  Unfortunately that never happened-he didn't want me.  And so I stuck back with Plan A-get to college.  I've put in so much work for myself to get here and do what I need to do so that I can live comfortably.  I'm not looking to make millions of dollars a year, I just want to make enough to support myself and my future family.  I'm chasing the dream of having my two little red-headed twin girls, seeing them off for the first time to the bus, carving out pumpkins in October, everything my mom and grandparents did with me as a child.  How much longer do I have to wait until I can finally be in the life that I want?  How much longer do I have to remain financially dependant on my family because I'm STILL a full-time student, trying to get a degree to get a job so that I don't become homeless and starving on the side of the street?  When do I start getting to live the life I've worked my entire life for-and enjoy the benefits?  I'm sick of the drudgery.  I'm sick of putting in all this work and not seeing much of what I'm going to be getting out of it.  Every semester I get my grades, and they're all A's and B's.  Okay...well when exactly do those A's and B's start turning into something tangible?  I'm sick of just seeing a stupid letter grade and somehow having that supposed to satisfy me for all the hard work I'm putting in. 

Part of me wants to enjoy college while I'm here-it'll be the last few years of fun/freedom that I'll probably ever have, but the (now) stronger part of me wants to skip to the day I find out I'm pregnant, to the day I get married (maybe?), to the day I move into my own place for the first time, to the day I get to see Lara and Phoebe off to the bus for the first day of kindergarten.  I know a lot of you are just going to say something along the lines of "Don't rush it!  Enjoy it while you can!" or, "Hang in there!  Only a few more years!"  Well, awesome.  But I'm tired of busting butt for 20 years to make things come together for myself, and things still aren't really all that clear.  I'm scared.  I'm scared the future is never going to come together for me.  I'm scared that I'm still going to be living at home after I graduate college because I don't have the fiscal means to get out on my own.  I'm scared that I'm never going to reach a place in my life where I can just take a deep breath and relax.  I'm scared that Lara and Phoebe are going to be smudged out of existence before they even get the chance to be conceived.  I'm scared that I won't be able to afford to live. 

This is a lot, and it's all very deep, but I think this gets to the point of where my weird moods are coming from lately.  I see a big, black, gaping hole for my future after Champlain.  I've started working with Meg as of yesterday for grad school stuff, but I don't even know if I'll get that far because Champlain's undergrad SWK program is yet to be accredited.   So.....yeah.  I just wish someone could hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right, because honestly, I don't know anymore. 

Hope your life is better than mine right now.

XXOO
Megan

P.S.  To Ashley and Ryan-I apologize for the past few days.  You guys have put up with me while I just sit and sulk, while I have those periods where I just don't want to talk, and those periods where you can't shut me up because I'm bitching for 20 minutes straight about something or another.  You guys truly are the best, and I wouldn't be half as sane now if it weren't for the both of you.  <3

Bloggable Moments

This weekend has been CRAZY....and it isn't over yet!  Starting Friday night, I had a PA Appreciation Dinner from 6-8.  Meg (from Career Services!) came with me to support Chelsea and I for all of our hard work in evaluating resumes and such.  Awww. <3 (We love Meg.)  Anywho, I was only planning on going and staying until about 7 because I wanted to be with my 308 girls (and Ryan!) and kick off the weekend on a good note. 

Well, slight change of plans.  The dinner was one of those that was a paced 3-course meal plus dessert, with different speakers from our group standing up to appreciate us, an all-inclusive slideshow, and superlatives. Yes, we're just THAT cool....we got superlatives.  I was choosen for "Sweetest PA" which is really cute.  :)

After being able to escape at 8, I got back to the dorm.  Previously during the day, there had been some discussion about Velvet wanting to go to the hospital per her mom's orders, so Meg had offered us a ride if need be.  I never got a response as to whether or not the ride was actually needed, so after having received a post on FaceBook that she may want to forego the trip, I thanked Meg but told her the ride probably wouldn't be necessary.  Once back at the dorm, 308 hung out for a few hours, and by 10pm guess what happened?  Yup, Velvet decided she wanted to go to the hospital.  SO, we walked up to Fletcher Allen Hospital at 10:30 pm, and had a grand old time.  Velvet was able to go back as soon as we got in the door essentially, and so Ashley, Ryan and I moved on into the waiting room until Velvet got out.  In the meantime, a "felon" was walked into the hospital and admitted to the Triage.  (We don't actually know what he did wrong, but this was the name Ryan dubbed him with.)  Felon was in cuffs accompanied by a Po-po man, and once admitted to the Triage, we were able to see what happened (unfortunately.)  Fortuantely for me though, I went to the bathroom as this next part unfolded.  Mr. Felon man got an IV stuck in him (which was able to be viewed by everybody in the waiting room because the Triage has windows....wtf.)  So Ryan and Ashley watched this drama unfold.

***NOTE-If you are eating, please finish before going on to read this next paragraph.***

In between watching Ashley and Ryan hold an EPIC game of UNO in Ryan's lap, another poor soul found its way to Fletcher Allen.  This guy was coughing up lung-fulls of phlegm/blood.  Unforunatley, because it was "after hours", only one of the Triage rooms was open...the one Mr. Felon man was occupying.  So basically while this guy was dying in the waiting room, Mr. Felon man was taking his time.  And to top it all off, when he got out of the Triage room to let the other guy in, Mr. Felon man was smiling and thinking this was all a grand old time.  Yeah....awesome.

FINALLY Velvet gets about about 1.5 hrs after we originally got there, and after basically only telling her what she already knew (except for clarifiying that it isn't a sprain, simply really inflamed for whatever reason,) we were able to go back for the evening.

Yesterday we spent time on homework/papers/final project-papers.  Not fun.  My 8 pager due Tuesday isn't even started yet because I'm still sifting through all my sources for information.  *Sigh*  After spending until about 3:30-4 on this, I was finished with a UVM book so I went with Ryan to go return it and to go grab supper.  Afterwards, we decided to go on a walk.  We discovered where the Intervale is located, and found some pretty epic hills that we didn't know existed.  All in all, it was a good time!

Today I'm planning on finishing up sifting through all my sources, and then getting a few good pages done by 5 pm at the latest tonight.  I REALLY want to get this paper on the roll, but it's hard because its for a professor who prides himself on being a hardass (his words, not mine.)  SO, this paper may or may not be the end of me.  I guess either way it works out.  For the rest of this semester, I have a study guide to complete for Fred, a project to complete for Fred, a 12 page paper for my Constituation Project, 2 oral presentations, a Written Process Recording to complete for Seminar, work on a Final Evaltuation for Seminar/my internship, 3 Music Makers concerts, Housing Selection Night, and a final Champlain Loses It Finale Party.  So, if the Ethnographic paper kills me, guess I won't have to worry about the rest of that! :)  Hahaha That's morbid... 

Ok blogosphere, just wanted to let you know I was still alive.  I'll post a picture and sign off for another week or two depending on how well I can survive the next 3 weeks.  Much love to you all!!!

-Megan

Motivation...Or Lack Thereof

Good Mornin' Blogosphere!

Or, afternoon really, seeing as how it's 12:12 here.  How are all of you wonderful people this fine afternoon?  Oh, how am I you ask?  Well.........I am SICK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Yes, unfortunately, I have had a random 4-5 day cold that just HAPPENED to come down on me around the same time as my birthday..which was Sunday for those of you who didn't know.

So, unfortunately I do not have my PictBridge cable here to transfer pictures taken from my birthday weekend onto this fabulous blog post, so you'll have to pretend we're on a Disney Safari.  I'll be your tour guide.  You may not be able to see everything, but you can imagine it in your mind's eye.  Ready? Here we go...

Ryan and I woke up at 8am on Saturday morning to get ready for the day.  The night before, my mom and gram and I had all spoken, and said that we would be leaving at 9am.  Cool!  After hanging up, I spent the rest of the evening with 308 (Ashley, Velvet, and Ryan,) and had a few epic good times.  Of course, Ashley and Ryan locked themselves in our bedroom to finish the surprise for our hotel room the following night so I didn't really see much of them, but Velvet and I had a good time for a little while anyway.

After waking up at 8 and starting to get ready.  I looked at my phone sitting on my desk and realized that I had 4 new voice messages.  FOUR.  WHAT IS THIS?!  I called my voice mail, and after listening to the annoying Verizon woman speak for 30 seconds I finally got to the first one.  "Hey Megan, it's Mom.  So, we had a change of plans (again...*sigh*) and so we're going to be there at 7am to pick you and Ryan up.  We're going to try to catch a noon showing of Avatar on the way down to Mass, so make sure you're ready, ok? Bye!" Crap.  So, the last hour we'd been sleeping, they've been sitting out in the parking lot waiting for us.  CRAP! 

Meanwhile, Ryan is blow drying his hair in the bathroom.  *Knock Knock Knock* 
"Yeah?"
"Hey, so....my mom and gram have been sitting in the parking lot for about an hour waiting for us to get going.  They called me last night and apparently changed plans so that we could get on the road a little earlier....just FYI..."
".............................................."
"Yeah, that's what I said too."


CRAP AGAIN!  Beyond this point, I don't even KNOW what happened.  There was a lot of running, jumping over one another like it was a bloody obstacle course in 308, and also a lot of "Shoot! Where is (insert random item's noun here.)?"

AFTER running around looking like lunatics, Ryan and I finally have everything together.  Feeling bad about leaving such a mess all over the place, we book it for the car.  We have a great time getting things packed in, and then we're on our way, after a quick stop at Dunkin' Donuts that is.

We finally make it JUSTINTIME to see Avatar.  Which was amazing...again.  I had seen it 2 weeks prior to this trip with my mom.  It is FABULOUS!!!!  And after the movie, we started to book it for the hotel.  Ok, so getting to this hotel is like trying to get to Pettico Junction.  It's a whole 'nother dimension unto itself.  There's a random side street you have to take, and once you're over the bridge and through the woods, voila! DING DING DING! You win!  Seriously, if I was an FBI agent or something, that would be the hotel I would choose to stay at.  NOBODY knows its there.  Oh and guess what?  The indicator for the road you need to take to get there?  Yeah, its right in front of a Dunkin' Donuts.  I mean, obviously....where else would the road be?

Hahahaha!

So, this weekend sounds fun so far, right?  Yeah, well we're not done yet.

For supper we all decided that we would go to the Rainforest Cafe for supper...part of my birthday weekend and all.  After getting to the Burlington Mall, we walk up and talk to the hostess at the podium in front of the gift shop. 
"Yeah, so there's going to be a two-and-a-half hour wait for the next table.  We'll call you when it's ready."  CRAP.

Mind you, by this time at night (around 6ish) we were all starving.  It had been a long ride, and we just wanted to eat something.  Two and a half hour wait was not sounding very good at this point in time.  So, we went to the food court and each got a slice of pizza to tide us over.  Meanwhile, Ryan is freaking out because of all the people in such a small space.  Of course, it could have just been partly because we'd had such a long ride, and partly because the height of the ceiling was only about 7.5 feet in the food court...but either way I can attest to it feeling a little crowded myself.  (And the whole me having dealt with a sore throat this entire day wasn't helping either.)

SO, after eating our snack, we walked the mall.  Mostly designer things that are pretty to look at, not so pretty to actually buy.  Seriously, who fits in a size -1?  Your intestines must be like the size of spaghetti or something...sheesh.   Eventually we found a Mac store and I was able to buy a cover for the iTouch my mom got me for Christmas. (I love that woman!)

iTouch protected, we leave and go find a place to sit for the next hour.  People watching is so much fun, especially when you're in a place with a lot more diversity, and around people of different ethnicities.  Vermont is sooooo white.  I grew up with white people everywhere.  Walking around and seeing Latinos, Blacks, Puerto Ricans, Asians, Vietnamese, EVERYTHING is such an eye-opener.  I love it when I get to be exposed to diversity.  Unfortunately, living in Vermont, it doesn't happen all that often.

FINALLY the time to eat supper arrives.  MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.  That's all I have to say on that matter.

Getting back to the hotel, Ryan is getting anxious because he wants to decorate the room while I am gone.  So, upon returning to the hotel, we find that the pool is open until 11.  THANK GOD!  I get changed and go down to start swimming, and the plan is that Ryan would join me shortly.  Hmm....mysterious.  Hahahaha.  After waiting for an entire HOUR, he finally comes down.  (Side note: We got back to the hotel at 9.  Meaning we had two hours to swim.  Meaning that now he had wasted an hour, WE only had 1 hour to swim TOGETHER.)  FML.  Hahaha.  So we did that, it was a pretty good time!  Bob and Mary came to chill (our invisible acquatic friends) and we played WTF DINO all over the pool.  It was certainly an excellent adventure.

After getting back to the room, there are pictures of me and me with random friends all over the place.  All together now...."AWWWWWWWW!!!!"   They were lined up in order from me as a child up until this year at 308. SOOO CUTE!!!!  Also attached to the walls were WTF Dino, and a WTF collage.  I LOVE IT!!!!  Hehehehehe.  Oh, and there was also a balloon party and random picture taking....which was some $hit.

After staying up until 2 am and watching P.S. I Love You, I decided that it was time for bed.  My sickness was draining me.  AHHHHH, NOOOO YOU BASTARDS!!!  Apparently by the time Ryan got back to bed from doing his nightly ritual, I was already snoring...which is weird because I remember him climbing back into bed...idk, maybe I was partially awake?  (A note on this: in honor and reverence to SCE and their trips all over the country, Ryan and I pushed the two beds together to make a huge bed.  It was AWESOME.)

......................................................................Silence................................................................................

8am the next morning, Ryan and I wake up.  I realize that I can't breathe.  Mucus is all up in my lungs, and I don't have a voice.  Awesome, I mean, I love when mucus is like, dripping from your vocal chords.  That's my fave.  Also, today is WATERPARK day...so this is going to work out fabulously.

After getting to Coco Keys Water Resort, things get AWESOME.  (Not in my snarky, sarcastic-al tone either...)  THERE'S WATER EVERYWHERE!!! AHHHHH!!!! From the 4 "big kid" water slides-2 of which require innertubes, 2 of which don't, the 2 pre-teen slides, and the 5 or 6 little kid ones, to the out-of-order wave pool (big surprise), to the lazy river thingy-mer-bob all in all it was a great time.  Ryan and I discovered the secrets of the water coming out of the ground in bursts, took some unexpected showers, and got dumped all over about 4 or 5 times from the huge bucket on top of everything.  :D  TOES FUN!

We were only able to amuse ourselves for about 2 hours.  There apparently was a river/innertube thing somewhere where you could float and watch a full-length movie while floating around, but we never found that.  I don't know if there was a whole 'nother section in there somewhere, but we had fun with what we were actually able to find. 

After the water park, things get fuzzy.  I got some medication to start combating the mucus with Mucinex and Vicks Cough Syrup.  This works...kind of...  Hahaha. We get to have lunch at about 2:30-3 at a 99 somewhere on the way home, and then Ryan and I both pass out until we get to Franconia Notch.  His parents had called, so he woke up then I woke up shortly after.  Of course, we all also had to pee, so we found a random Irving station and took care of that situation.

After that, there isn't much to tell.  We got Ryan home, I went home.  We both slept forever.  The end.

That was my birthday weekend.  Nice, huh?  Overcoming random obstacles and constantly changing plans of action was fun.  Hahahahhahhahahaha!!!!

Ok, now that I've written a book I feel that I should go.  Enjoy.  Disney Safari is now over.  Please watch your step when exiting the vehicle.  Thank you, and have a WONDERFUL day!

Much Love!
-Megan

P.S. The title of this blog actually has to do with me getting in touch with Ryan's UVM library.  I have books out that are due back today, and I haven't had the motivation to do with them what I need to be doing so I can just return them and be done with it.....Yeah, I'm useless.

Update on My Life

So, the past 12 hours have been pretty much insane.

I somehow had a temperature of 95 degrees this morning, and yet I felt much better when I got up compared to how I felt last night with a 96.something degree temp.  WHAT is this?

Also, I have put in my application to be approved for a Discover Student Credit Card.  Whooo hoooo!!!! I can finally start building up some credit by charging all of (and only) my school textbooks on the card, and building up some good, responsible credit so that I can maybe get a car or house later in my life.  YAY ME!!!!

Kind of excited.  (This was after debating with my mom on the phone last night for about an hour...with her telling me I'm almost 20 years old and she isn't going to tell me what to do.)  Yes, of course you're not going to tell me what to do.  I just wanted ADVICE!!!  Is this a smart thing for me to do at this stage of my life, etc?  If you read my previous post, you see the distess I had pertaining to this whole situation, and whether or not I thought I was capable of managing a credit card.

But again, thanks to SUPERVELVET (her name from henceforth,) I have confidence in my skills.  (That girl is still my hero, just fyi.) :)

Besides fleeting illnesses and applications for evil credit cards, I have finished my scientific revolutions paper as well.  (Speaking of which, I have to get going in about 10 mins because class will be starting here, shortly.)

It is finito, I feel better than I did last night, and I hopefully have the gateway to me building credit coming sometime soon.

That's all, folks!

xoxoxo
Love,
Megan

Another Dreary Day...

Hello, everyone. How's life? Life in 308 has been pretty stressful lately. Not too much time for fun. :( Between midterms, Jess' flu, and me needing to get going on busting out a 6-8 pager, and a 4-6 pager for 2 different classes, its a pretty stressful time.

Last night was Glee night. Glee was awesome as ALWAYS!!!! In Music Makers on Tuesday night, Dave (one of the co-conductors), played the Glee version of Don't Stop Believing. It. Was. Awesome. EVERYONE started busting out that song the instant it came on. Hahahhaha!!!

My girls and I (Ryan included) have decided to start doing mini-webisodes. I will eventually give the link to the blog that we are considering starting that will be JUST for our webisodes. They will also be posted on FaceBook and possibly on YouTube (just to make sure we can get some good feedback from friends and family.) :)

I'm still working on trying to convince my mom to get FaceBook, by the way. I would LOVE to be able to write to her and keep in contact with her that way, because FaceBook is my MAIN social networking site. Buuuuut she's kind of old-school and doesn't think people her age should be on FaceBook. Wonder what she'd say if I told her that Ashley's mom is on there? Hehe.

Well, thats ok, too. I'll do what I can.

Luke is trying to meet up with me today in the Big Burly World, however because of my schedule and all my requirements of my time, I'm not sure I'll be able to see him. :( FML. Hey, and I just looked out the window and there is a lady bug crawling up our screen! CUTE!!! Sorry, back to Luke. Yes, I miss him terribly. Unfortunately, for my own well-being, I am not able to spend all of my time on my computer anymore. The "free time" that I have is generally spent directly on homework, and the rest of my free time is spent with my friends that live here. Right now they are the main ones who are keeping me sane. I'm very much a physical person. I naturally get really close to the people I live with and see everyday. They are my rocks that keep me from floating away. I loooooove Luke to death, but by the time I'm able to get online its about 8:30 at night and by then I'm so exhausted I can't focus much on what anybody is saying to me. I feel like such a failure, but how things are working now is just about the best I can do. Next semester, I'll be taking 6 classes instead of my 5, and I'll be working 3 jobs. Soooo....my prospects for trying to fix my awesome mistake aren't looking so great right now. Luke, if you're reading this...just move to Burlington! This will solve everyone's problem!

If anyone has any advice, please post below. Thanks!

Love you all,
x.o.x.o. Megan