Well, That's Disappointing

http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/so-whats-going-to-really-happen-with-todays-dont-ask-dont-tell-vote/politics/2010/09/21/12996

Yeah, kind of bummed about this.

At least it is a step.  Hopefully Congress will vote to continue the debates on all of the amendments and such for the "National Defense Authorization Act"-which will include continuing the debate of the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT.) 

At the end of this article it is stated that the repeal for DADT vote probably won't actually happen until November.  Keep your eyes peeled.  <3

_____________________________________________________

In more micro-related news:

I'm back to 270.  *Sigh*  Probably has something to do with the fact that I keep getting convinced to buy food every night.  Someone ends up saying they're hungry (usually me, but then an hour later everyone else chimes in,) and this leads to a snowball effect of Cheesy Waffle Fry Goodness every few days.  Which isn't helping, obviously.

Also, I haven't been very good at entering food into Weight Watchers.  Which sucks, because I'm paying for this every day.  I need to do a better job at staying on track.  At least I'm paying for it now and not my grandmother-so I don't feel quite as bad as I could.  It's a bit difficult because my schedule requires me to be up on campus for the majority of the day.  And I don't always find myself near a computer.  I was originally planning to use my iTouch to access the internet and enter my food that way, but the Weight Watchers website requires Flash in order for the trackers to work.  Which I don't believe iTouches are capable of.  Eff my life.

But, that's another excuse.  Another way to try to convince myself that it isn't all my fault.  I want this weight loss rather badly so I don't understand why I can't stay focused and just DO what I need to DO to make it happen.  Yeah it's going to be a hell of a lot of work, and I get that.  But once I'm where I want to be, all's I'll have to worry about is maintaining the lifestyle I've already created for myself. 

I am really interested in the "rewards center" part of my brain.  Obviously that part of me has been extraordinarily spoiled and therefore I crave things I shouldn't be having more often.  Of all the indulgences I've had throughout my life, I can't blame it for wanting to continue being satisfied.  I'm curious to see if there's a way I can flip it so that it feels rewarded when I choose a salad instead of a few pieces of pizza (which doesn't fill a person up anyway-you're hungry about 2-3 hrs later.)  It would be awesome if I could get a scientist involved to do a study on me and to see what exactly the hell is going on.  I have willpower and drive to do and take care of certain things in my life, so I don't understand why that can't be applied to all other areas of my life.  Why can't I take my dedication in being a good student and working hard for my good grades, and have the same kind of motivation and dedication to take care of myself?  There are others that I know that make it seem so easy.  I'm jealous.  I hate that I can't bring myself to use my free time slots during the day to go to the gym and get moving.  I hate that I get hungry very soon, and that I can't find things high enough in fiber/protein to keep me full for the "correct" amount of time without forking over a crap ton more money for Luna bars or Cliff bars (which are amazing, but sort of expensive.)  I hate that I'm back to where I started, and I have no idea how to get back on the horse again. 

I feel a bit lost, and I'm worried because there's a part of my brain that doesn't care.  Part of me feels like I'm always meant to be between 260-270, no matter how hard I try.  My body gravitates toward that weight constantly.  It's so much more frustrating than some people realize.  I understand that there is such a thing in existence where your body has its "happy weight"-where if you're a few pounds over or under, you don't feel quite right.  Which is interesting.  But being 5' 6" and 270 lbs, that's considered "severely obese" according to BMI charts.  (Also, because I have that much weight, it's sometimes hard for me to tell the difference that a few pounds can make.  It just doesn't seem like that much to me.)  Can a body be happy and extremely unhealthy/obese at the same time?  Maybe I've just been this weight for so long that my body isn't ready to recognize that I shouldn't be this heavy.  I've got genetics stacked up against me in all directions, and I really am at a point where I'm feeling quite helpless.  If I could have a professional nutritionist to talk to and someone who's certified to work with me, that would be awesome.  But, oh hey, guess what?  I don't have any health insurance right now because the college hasn't sent me my new cards for the year.  Also, even with that, it wouldn't cover the cost of me being able to see someone on a regular basis, or at all, really.  Fucking love America.

I'm going to go sulk in my own self pity for a little while until I feel a little better.  And try not be so miserable when I think about the salad that is going to be my lunch, because I decided to drink about 3 cups of chocolate milk this morning (hey, I was thirsty and it's supposed to be filling,) and now I have like, 6 pts left for the day. 

I could really use some support right now; I don't feel beautiful anymore.

<3 Megan <3