Lost, Again

Well, hello there!  It's been 3 weeks or so, according to Ashley.

So: here's where I'm at right now.  I plan to do a post branching off what Ryan said about the Cumby's "hold up" in Montpelier, as well as my trip to Montreal this past Saturday, but I want to get something else out of the way before those posts happen.

I need a new direction for my blog.  This past summer, after having been inspired by Julie and Julia to make a themed blog, I decided that I would focus on weight-loss, and how that's working for me in order to inspire others to make positive life-changes themselves.  However, that really isn't working out so well.  I don't feel that I have enough readers, and I don't feel as though I'm making an impact because outside of Ryan, Ashley, and Rachel, no one else really comments on anything I post so I'm never sure how I'm doing or how the post was received.  If I'd had more response, I could take the temperature of what kinds of posts my readers liked best and stick with that, but for now...I've got nothing.

I also feel a bit like a hypocrite in terms of being a weight-loss motivational blogger because I preach staying positive and not letting your mind get in the way of your body and ambition, yet that continues to remain a problem for me still.  I cancelled my Weight Watchers membership last Thursday or Friday before my 3-month renewal came up because I haven't been using it.  With my lifestyle here at college, I don't have time for it.  I want to eat fruits and vegetables but the cafeteria only offers the same things every day.  I want to have the money to buy what I feel I want to eat.  Maybe I want pineapple. 
Is there a problem with pineapple? 
Well, apparently the cafeteria thinks so, because they never offer that. 

Before I let this post begin to sound depressing, and wallow in self-pity-ish, I'm really looking to hear from my readers some ideas-some new direction to lead my blog in.  I can't find what I'm passionate enough about to keep a regular blog schedule going.  I mean, I am going to be a social worker and I find I do get passionate about human rights-but I feel there's only so much I can say on that topic at the risk of simply repeating myself over and over.  I can maybe do a human rights blog with a themed issue per post, but I feel I may run out of those, too.  I just want to write something that is going to generate interest, and maybe more readers.  I'd love to have other dedicated followers than just Ryan and Ashley (not that they aren't awesome, but I see them every day and know them in person.)  How about someone from Spain?  Or even California?  Or even Rutland, VT?  And I know that before I start getting readers I need a topic (or topics) to keep the posts coming, and to keep me dedicated as an author. 

So all in all: here's my task to you:
Suggest some topics to me that will take many posts to cover.  Give me overarching themes with smaller subsections, or even small one-time posts that you find yourself interested in. 

I may post some of my papers to my blog later this semester that I found I was very interested in and passionate about, but I'll wait until they're graded and returned to me before I do so.  Help me out, fellow readers!  I'm floundering in the blogosphere.

XXXOOO
<3Megan<3

Wear Purple!

Today is a day to raise awareness about the struggles of LGBTQ and also to honor the deaths of LGBTQ youth in the past 3-4 weeks. 

To do this- there is a movement of individuals wearing purple all day today.  If you have no purple and have time to run back to your dorm, grab something.

If you are unaware of what has been going on in LGBTQ struggles, specifically over the past month or so, click here to read my previous blog post, "A Moment of Silence." 

I apologize for the abruptness of this post, but I have Statistics class in just a few minutes so I don't really have time to elaborate.  WEAR PURPLE-DO ITT!!!

A Moment of Silence

This week a lot of things have happened for the L(esbian)G(ay)B(isexual)T(ransgendered)Q(ueer/Questioning) community, both here in Burlington, VT and elsewhere in the country.  This blog post is dedicated to the 7 recent suicides committed by youth around the country due to bullying, harassment, and general nonacceptance by those around them.  One story in particular stands out-the story of Tyler Clementi.  To see the article I'm taking my info from, click here. 

Tyler Clementi was an accomplished musician already at age 18.  He was quiet, kept to himself, and was gay.  His roommate covertly streamed him via webcam one night having sexual relations with a male partner, and then put it online for others to see.  Three days later, Tyler jumped off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River-to his death. 

The fact that LGBTQ youth are being harassed and abused to the point of wanting to end their lives entirely is very sad.  I mean, what does this say about our society?  Those in the LGBTQ community have worked so hard for so long-and right now it only seems to be getting worse.  The places where LGBTQ individuals are accepted and welcomed with open arms I feel are too few and far in between.  People in American society need to grow up and stop discriminating against others because they aren't just like you.  Has nobody seen Pocahontas?

"John Smith: We've improved the lives of savages all over the world.
Pocahontas: *Savages*?
John Smith: Uh, not that *you're* a savage.
Pocahontas: Just my people!
John Smith: No. Listen. That's not what I meant. Let me explain, uh...
Pocahontas: Let go!
John Smith: No, I'm not letting you leave.
Pocahontas: [jumps up into a tree]
John Smith: Look, don't do this. Savage is just a word, uh, you know. A term for people who are uncivilized.
Pocahontas: Like me.
John Smith: Well, when I say uncivilized, what I mean is, is...
Pocahontas: What you mean is, "not like you." " (IMDB)
 
The first time I read about Tyler Clementi's story in the New York Times, I very nearly cried.  My heart feels so much pain for stories such as this-which is probably why I'm going into the career I've chosen for myself. 
 
Fortunately, there are some conversations going on around the country helping to educate people about what it means to be an LGBT or Q person.  Today, I attended a 9 hour Translating Identity Conference (lovingly called TIC [pronounced "tick"],) at UVM.  There were different workshops run during each of the hour long time slots that you could choose to attend.  (I was there for a class requirement, but also to help increase my own area of knowledge as well.)  If more conversations like this one were opened up more often and in many more different locations, I really believe that many would stop being so hateful towards those who don't fit or conform to societal norms.  Small steps are a good place to start, but much more needs to be done to prevent LGBTQ youth suicide.  These are just kids-regardless of how they decide to present, or whom they find themselves in love with. 
 
Please, please, if you or someone you know is considering suicide because the bullying pressure has become too much, check out the TrevorProject, or some other LGBTQ youth suicide prevention hotline service. 
 
For the rest of you who are wondering what you as an everyday kind of person can do to help out-please just be aware of what you say and what you do and how it can affect others around you.  Be aware of your own judgements of others and what your preconceived notions of gender and sexual preference are.  Know that both have a wide spectrum and array of situations.  There are many biological men and women (also known as bio-men or bio-women,) who may think of themselves as the opposite gender, but may chose to present themselves as their assigned gender (AKA-what gender they were born with and "assigned" at birth.)  Be aware of what pronouns individuals chose to use regarding themselves, and how they identify.  It is always better to ask if you aren't sure than to assume and offend.
 
Also-if you know of any LGBTQ conversations happening in your area-please attend!  Most welcome people from all stages of understanding.  If you don't know much about the LGBTQ community and you're scared to go-please, don't be.  Jump in and learn!  The more you know about the issues at hand, the better able you are to help find solutions.  <3
 
This post is deep-and I promise I'll post something light and fluffy soon.  But in the meantime, please take a moment of silence and light a candle for those who couldn't take any more of the abuse and harassment.  Please keep them in your thoughts, and please find out what you can do in your community to help make a difference.  You could save lives.
 
<3 Megan <3

Letters I'll Never Send

Hey, ya'll.  Sorry I've disappeared.  I've been frustrated and haven't really been able to re-inspire myself to get back to our topic at hand-so here's something to pass the time meanwhile.

LettersIllNeverSend.com is my new crack for this year (as well as Netflix, but we'll get to that in a bit.)  This site allows you to go in and post an anonymous letter to this blog that others are able to read.  You can vent, profess your love for someone because you're too afraid to do so in person, share something funny, something life-altering, or offer guidance and support for those who seem down in the dumps.  I love catching up on what other people have been doing, are up to, or are going through.  It reconnects me with all of humanity, and with those basic, innate feelings that come with being human.  As I read each story I am able to let it all sink in, remember times I've gone through similar situations, remember those events that are still unsettled in my life, and know that no matter what I'm going through in life-there's always someone else in the exact same position.

LINS has been a partial life boat for me this semester as I realize I'm growing up and that who I am is not the same as who I was.  Life is different now-welcome to the adult world!  Some things have lost their appeal to me, other new things have been unveiled to me, and essentially life as I once knew it has ended.  Life as I know it is scary and unsettled.  This is weird to think about, but sometimes I wonder if I can feel and notice the times my brain is being re-wired to deal with adult life (i.e.-right now, this weird phase in my life.)  As teenagers move into adulthood, a lot of the hormones calm down and the raging impulses that we have through high school simmer down and can get put on a low broil.  Some of the pathways and synapses that your brain needed to deal with high school can be altered.  You might not need to take the fast-track pathway through the brain anymore as this hormone stops being produced.  Your analytical skills advance so the conclusions you used to draw in high school may no longer make sense in the adult world. 

Essentially this semester so far has really been about me increasing my self-awareness, and what's going on for me in certain times and at certain places.  I was somehow able to fight off a cold in the span of a week (I think it's all the Vitamin C I threw into my body,) by recognizing when I thought I was coming down with something and having the ability to spend money on medicine to prevent/treat any germs that were affecting me.  Knowing that I'm also still really in a weird place in my life and that things are changing, I've been reminding myself to try to be patient with others when I find myself getting annoyed or angry (same also with PMS symptoms.)  How is that working out for me?  Well, I'm still alive.  And I still have all of my friendships intact.  So-all in all, I think it's working out pretty well.

As far as Netflix goes, (ooh I'm salivating just thinking about it!!!!) IT IS A GODSEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  All those movies and TV shows I've always wanted to watch/catch up on-I now have all of that at my fingertips.  Right now I have ~264 movies in my queue.  Yeah.....that's bad I know.  I LOOOOVE watching movies and TV shows.  Actually, when I find something I like I tend to get a little obsessive about it.  Which is probably really unhealthy, but I can't say that I don't like it.  :)  For $8.99/month I have access to SO many movies.  It's like a miracle in a website.  Seriously!

Okay, well to wrap up.  I'm still alive.  Things are going pretty good.  I'm sleeping about 6 hrs/night but for the most part-I'm hanging in there.  Visit LINS and tell me what you think!

-Megan XXOO

Bitch Fest 101: Vocalization

Normally, I am a very sarcastic, sometimes more easily angered-than-should-be-appropriate kind of person inside my head.  Take everything inside my head and bring it out, and you end up with a lot of frightened people cowering around me and an especially sulky me-who doesn't want to make eye contact with anyone. 

Now, that's all good and well.  Except for A) I'm sick (somehow, I'm still fuzzy on the details of that,) and B) It's PMS week. 

Item A: Over the weekend I started to feel the dull ache in the back of my throat/on the back of my tongue which usually indicates a sore throat coming on.  In a panic, I ran down to Rite Aid and dropped about $100 on medicine and vitamin supplements.  Vitamin C tablets, cough syrup, cough drops, etc.  Well, I've so far managed to avoid sore throat.  Right now everything moved into congestion and blockage of my right nasal passage with an extremely light tickle in the back of my throat.  This is especially annoying because it's not conducive to the kind of cough that actually can do something for your throat.  This is the kind of cough that is so light it barely registers on your body's sick-dar.  (Bastards.)  Flashforward to today: I feel like crap and everything in the world is going wrong (again.)  I'm actually skipping my classes and staying in my dorm for some well-deserved alone time before I launch headfirst into trying to figure out how to do these paper's that I have been unable to do.  (Note: not simply 'not wanting' to do, but literally 'unable' to do.)  Library databases and I aren't friends anymore.

Item B:  Additionally, it's PMS week.  Which means that I'm pretty hypersensitive to everything around me.  Did you ever hear that fun fact that when you get stressed, noises appear to annoy you just THAT much more?  Example: remember taking a test or quiz in school that you didn't get a chance to study for, and it's worth like 20% of your grade?  And then the a$$#@!$ next to you decides that it's a great day to tap the eraser of his or her pencil on the desk while mentally singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"-making you even more stressed and helpless?  Yeah, that's what my entire PMS week is like.   If all of the commentary on my life were able to be extracted from my brain and put to words, I think I probably wouldn't have many friends left.  It's not that I have anything against anyone personally, it's just those little moments where I sometimes want to yell at people with the fury of a hundred Tasmanian devils-because they should know they're annoying me and know that by my glaring at them, they need to stop what they're doing.  Haha, yeah, right.

So, the difference between me right now and the normal me?  Well, not too much is different in my own head (except for the PMS-related stuff-that's THANKFULLY only 1 week a month,) but everything else that is spewing out of my mouth is stuff that I don't really care to censor right now, due to being sick.  I feel like crap and apparently that's how I get others to sympathize with me.  (Kind of pathetic, right?)  But then again, who doesn't want people to go "Aww, I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  That SUCKS, man." whenever you make an extravagant attempt at showing your helplessness and excessive sickness to those around you?  Everyone needs a break sometime.  Unfortunately, I've been vocalizing my frustrations and distresses for the past 5 days or so (before I actually got sick.)  I honestly don't know what's wrong with me this year.  I feel like my personality is changing and I don't like it.  I mean, life isn't fair-I get that.  I've known that since before kindergarten.  Buy why am I so much more openly pessimistic lately?  I miss my old optimistic self-even when I knew there was no way something was going to turn out okay.  It's always worth a shot, right?

I'm still passionate about where I want to go in life.  I want to be in the career that I'm studying for in college.  I still want to spend basically the rest of my life with Ryan.  I still want to get out there and make an awesome life for myself.  I think that I just want it so badly that I'm losing the joy I had while sticking with the present.  I'd like to think I live my life by focusing on the present moment and how things feel, look, and taste to me right now.  But honestly, I may take a few minutes to center myself.  Then it's right back to the grindstone to work on getting to my future.  I've been working so hard for college.  I knew back in kindergarten and first grade that I wanted to go to college, that I was going to go to college.  I went through a phase in my younger grades where I thought the only reason I worked so hard in school to get good grades was to show my (pretty much nonexistent) father how good I was, so that he could be proud of me, and take more than 30 seconds to look at me.  I mean really look at me.  Unfortunately that never happened-he didn't want me.  And so I stuck back with Plan A-get to college.  I've put in so much work for myself to get here and do what I need to do so that I can live comfortably.  I'm not looking to make millions of dollars a year, I just want to make enough to support myself and my future family.  I'm chasing the dream of having my two little red-headed twin girls, seeing them off for the first time to the bus, carving out pumpkins in October, everything my mom and grandparents did with me as a child.  How much longer do I have to wait until I can finally be in the life that I want?  How much longer do I have to remain financially dependant on my family because I'm STILL a full-time student, trying to get a degree to get a job so that I don't become homeless and starving on the side of the street?  When do I start getting to live the life I've worked my entire life for-and enjoy the benefits?  I'm sick of the drudgery.  I'm sick of putting in all this work and not seeing much of what I'm going to be getting out of it.  Every semester I get my grades, and they're all A's and B's.  Okay...well when exactly do those A's and B's start turning into something tangible?  I'm sick of just seeing a stupid letter grade and somehow having that supposed to satisfy me for all the hard work I'm putting in. 

Part of me wants to enjoy college while I'm here-it'll be the last few years of fun/freedom that I'll probably ever have, but the (now) stronger part of me wants to skip to the day I find out I'm pregnant, to the day I get married (maybe?), to the day I move into my own place for the first time, to the day I get to see Lara and Phoebe off to the bus for the first day of kindergarten.  I know a lot of you are just going to say something along the lines of "Don't rush it!  Enjoy it while you can!" or, "Hang in there!  Only a few more years!"  Well, awesome.  But I'm tired of busting butt for 20 years to make things come together for myself, and things still aren't really all that clear.  I'm scared.  I'm scared the future is never going to come together for me.  I'm scared that I'm still going to be living at home after I graduate college because I don't have the fiscal means to get out on my own.  I'm scared that I'm never going to reach a place in my life where I can just take a deep breath and relax.  I'm scared that Lara and Phoebe are going to be smudged out of existence before they even get the chance to be conceived.  I'm scared that I won't be able to afford to live. 

This is a lot, and it's all very deep, but I think this gets to the point of where my weird moods are coming from lately.  I see a big, black, gaping hole for my future after Champlain.  I've started working with Meg as of yesterday for grad school stuff, but I don't even know if I'll get that far because Champlain's undergrad SWK program is yet to be accredited.   So.....yeah.  I just wish someone could hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right, because honestly, I don't know anymore. 

Hope your life is better than mine right now.

XXOO
Megan

P.S.  To Ashley and Ryan-I apologize for the past few days.  You guys have put up with me while I just sit and sulk, while I have those periods where I just don't want to talk, and those periods where you can't shut me up because I'm bitching for 20 minutes straight about something or another.  You guys truly are the best, and I wouldn't be half as sane now if it weren't for the both of you.  <3

Well, That's Disappointing

http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/so-whats-going-to-really-happen-with-todays-dont-ask-dont-tell-vote/politics/2010/09/21/12996

Yeah, kind of bummed about this.

At least it is a step.  Hopefully Congress will vote to continue the debates on all of the amendments and such for the "National Defense Authorization Act"-which will include continuing the debate of the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT.) 

At the end of this article it is stated that the repeal for DADT vote probably won't actually happen until November.  Keep your eyes peeled.  <3

_____________________________________________________

In more micro-related news:

I'm back to 270.  *Sigh*  Probably has something to do with the fact that I keep getting convinced to buy food every night.  Someone ends up saying they're hungry (usually me, but then an hour later everyone else chimes in,) and this leads to a snowball effect of Cheesy Waffle Fry Goodness every few days.  Which isn't helping, obviously.

Also, I haven't been very good at entering food into Weight Watchers.  Which sucks, because I'm paying for this every day.  I need to do a better job at staying on track.  At least I'm paying for it now and not my grandmother-so I don't feel quite as bad as I could.  It's a bit difficult because my schedule requires me to be up on campus for the majority of the day.  And I don't always find myself near a computer.  I was originally planning to use my iTouch to access the internet and enter my food that way, but the Weight Watchers website requires Flash in order for the trackers to work.  Which I don't believe iTouches are capable of.  Eff my life.

But, that's another excuse.  Another way to try to convince myself that it isn't all my fault.  I want this weight loss rather badly so I don't understand why I can't stay focused and just DO what I need to DO to make it happen.  Yeah it's going to be a hell of a lot of work, and I get that.  But once I'm where I want to be, all's I'll have to worry about is maintaining the lifestyle I've already created for myself. 

I am really interested in the "rewards center" part of my brain.  Obviously that part of me has been extraordinarily spoiled and therefore I crave things I shouldn't be having more often.  Of all the indulgences I've had throughout my life, I can't blame it for wanting to continue being satisfied.  I'm curious to see if there's a way I can flip it so that it feels rewarded when I choose a salad instead of a few pieces of pizza (which doesn't fill a person up anyway-you're hungry about 2-3 hrs later.)  It would be awesome if I could get a scientist involved to do a study on me and to see what exactly the hell is going on.  I have willpower and drive to do and take care of certain things in my life, so I don't understand why that can't be applied to all other areas of my life.  Why can't I take my dedication in being a good student and working hard for my good grades, and have the same kind of motivation and dedication to take care of myself?  There are others that I know that make it seem so easy.  I'm jealous.  I hate that I can't bring myself to use my free time slots during the day to go to the gym and get moving.  I hate that I get hungry very soon, and that I can't find things high enough in fiber/protein to keep me full for the "correct" amount of time without forking over a crap ton more money for Luna bars or Cliff bars (which are amazing, but sort of expensive.)  I hate that I'm back to where I started, and I have no idea how to get back on the horse again. 

I feel a bit lost, and I'm worried because there's a part of my brain that doesn't care.  Part of me feels like I'm always meant to be between 260-270, no matter how hard I try.  My body gravitates toward that weight constantly.  It's so much more frustrating than some people realize.  I understand that there is such a thing in existence where your body has its "happy weight"-where if you're a few pounds over or under, you don't feel quite right.  Which is interesting.  But being 5' 6" and 270 lbs, that's considered "severely obese" according to BMI charts.  (Also, because I have that much weight, it's sometimes hard for me to tell the difference that a few pounds can make.  It just doesn't seem like that much to me.)  Can a body be happy and extremely unhealthy/obese at the same time?  Maybe I've just been this weight for so long that my body isn't ready to recognize that I shouldn't be this heavy.  I've got genetics stacked up against me in all directions, and I really am at a point where I'm feeling quite helpless.  If I could have a professional nutritionist to talk to and someone who's certified to work with me, that would be awesome.  But, oh hey, guess what?  I don't have any health insurance right now because the college hasn't sent me my new cards for the year.  Also, even with that, it wouldn't cover the cost of me being able to see someone on a regular basis, or at all, really.  Fucking love America.

I'm going to go sulk in my own self pity for a little while until I feel a little better.  And try not be so miserable when I think about the salad that is going to be my lunch, because I decided to drink about 3 cups of chocolate milk this morning (hey, I was thirsty and it's supposed to be filling,) and now I have like, 6 pts left for the day. 

I could really use some support right now; I don't feel beautiful anymore.

<3 Megan <3

Today I Did Something Awesome

DADT

Don't Ask; Don't Tell.

Apparently America hasn't realized that when a law is passed, it applies to EVERYONE in the country.  Soldiers aren't exempt.  There is a law in this country that states that no individual can be discriminated against on basis of age, sex, gender, sexual orientation, disability, etc.  And yet, if a soldier happens to come out, that individual is dishonorably discharged from the service.  WTF??!!!?  Excuse me?  REALLY?!  Okay, so apparently America needs recruits to go fight for rights in their country that don't even apply to themselves. 

This is really sad.

Ryan and I called our senators (Bernie Sanders and Patrick Leahy) and said that we would like for them to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell on Tuesday.  Lady Gaga (a goddess in all her glory,) is spurring a HUGE Youth Movement advocating for everyone in our generation to call our senators and finally, finally stand up for what we believe in.  Follow the link here to check it out.  This is SO important especially with the youth in this country.  We technically should have the largest say in making our voices heard in regards to this policy.  This is the rest of the majority of our lives, as well as the lives of our children that we are dealing with.  If Don't Ask Don't Tell isn't repealed, we have to live with this for the rest of our lives until someone is able to raise a large enough movement to take the government by storm. 

I feel as though the current 20-something-year-old generation is extraordinarily accepting and is also very motivated towards making the changes that we feel need to be made within our country.  We have a huge passion for those who are being discriminated against.  We've all been there at some point in our lives.  We've been socialized by parents, guardians, friends, schools, government, media, etc in terms of what to think, how to think, and what is the "right" thing to do.  Our generation is sick of being told what to think and feel.  We know what feels right in our hearts, and damnit we're doing something about it!

Lady Gaga said something that really stuck with me.  Granted, I will not be able to put it as eloquently as she did, but here's the basics of it.  This isn't about whether or not you personally believe in homosexuality or approve of it in any way, this is about senators doing their job in terms of holding up the Constitution.  Don't Ask Don't Tell is extremely unconstitutional.  It blows my mind that individuals have the right to not be discriminated against within the country, and yet our soldiers, the very people who are risking their lives for this right don't have it extended to them.  I don't understand how this makes any sense in the eyes of other people.

Bottom line: if you believe in something and you know in your heart that something is not right or feels weird to you, say something about it.  Call your senator and dish!  Seriously-people love to chat it up.  Start some controversy!  Remember how teachers always used to say "there are no stupid questions.  Chances are, if you have a question, the majority of the class probably has the same question.  Don't be afraid to ask it-everyone will appreciate that someone took the risk?"  Same policy here.  There may be many who believe in the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, but aren't going to actively show their support in order to sway the vote of their senators.  Please, I'm asking you as a fellow American, as 20 year old college student, as daughter, a classmate, a female, a friend--do what you think is right.  If you believe Don't Ask Don't Tell is unconstitutional and it doesn't feel right to you, figure out a way to get in contact with your senators.

If you live in Vermont:
Bernie Sanders' number is: (202) 224-5141
Patrick Leahy's number is: (202) 224-4242

Call them-and let them know what you feel.

This is America; We have the right to be heard.

<3 Megan <3

P.S. Tomorrow is weigh in day.  :S